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How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk
Askwith’s primary message seems simple: kids are more likely to listen when they feel that their needs and feelings are being heard. In other words, if you, the parent, want to be listened to by your child, you must listen to your child first. Or, as Askwith puts it, listening now is “money in the bank to draw upon later when you need to be obeyed”. Of course, it is one thing to understand Askwith’s philosophy; it is another to implement it. To help convert theory into reality, Askwith provided practical “real-life” guidance to demonstrate howyour own ability to listen can make your children better listeners as well. First, it is critical to understand the sense of urgency that children feel over the most mundane matters – a sensitivity that can render a child simply unable to pay attention to what you are saying until they have the opportunity to explain their own needs. Consider this: Your child REALLY wants her favorite breakfast cereal, but you are all out. Thinking rationally, you pull a different box from the pantry and pour the cereal into the bowl, but she folds her arms and says “I’m not eating that cereal.” You are running late for school, and you are getting frustrated, but your insistence that she eat what is available is getting you nowhere and is, in fact, making things worse. According to Askwith, the missing piece in this scenario is the child’s ability to feel that her parent is listening to the “metamessage” – what she is really saying: “It is a big deal that I don’t have my favorite cereal, and I want you to recognize that instead of just telling me to move on.” The child wants to be heard, and the parent can comply by giving voice to the childs’ feelings: “I know that you really wanted Lucky Charms, but we don’t have any today. Should we find a time to go to the grocery store to pick up another box?” Sometimes children feel better when they are given a choice: “I can see you really don’t like this other cereal. Is it too crunchy? I have another cereal that might be better.” Another approach is to discuss meeting the child’s wishes in fantasy: “Boy, I wish we could do a special Lucky Charms dance and make a new box appear on the table.” Like adults, children want to feel understood and empathized with. These examples demonstrate a clear communication that you “get-it” and feel the same sense of disappointment and/or frustration and offer a reasonable approach to correcting the situation. Parents also can improve communications with their children by modeling good listening behavior. To demonstrate that you are listening and that what your child is saying is important, paraphrase what he says as part of your response. If you simply cannot understand why your child has taken a certain position, ask questions to clarify just as you would an adult. Additionally, it conveys to him that you are on the same team. Focus on your child when he is talking to you – don’t look at the newspaper or TV or answer the telephone. How would you feel if an adult acted this way when you were talking? You may not be able to give your child what he wants, and maybe that is the right response for a particular event, but try to model the message that open dialogue breeds positive feedback. Your child may feel that by communicating with you, maybe he’ll get what he wants the next time. Parents also can encourage good listening skills when they are the ones trying to get a message across. When asking your child to do something, Askwith says be sure to maintain direct eye contact, and even get down to her eye level so that you can better engage her. Also, remember that less is more. Don’t lecture your child if she isn’t getting her coat on for school about why it is important to listen or all of the bad things that will happen if you’re late. Just get to her level and say “put your coat on now,” and try your absolute best to maintain an emotionally neutral tone of voice. Askwith also advocates positive feedback as a way to improve your ongoing relationship – including your ability to communicate effectively – with your child. Try to say at least 5 times as many positive things as negative things to your child each day. As an exercise, put ten pennies in your pocket in the morning, and switch one penny to the other pocket each time you say something positive to your child. You might be surprised how many of those pennies stay put! No methods are failsafe when it comes to establishing positive and effective interaction with your children. Askwith provides a solid foundation of techniques to help improve your everyday communication with your children. You probably won’t hear “enough about my needs” right away, but it’s a start. Submitted by Alison Baraf, Family Outreach Chair |
There are those parents who maintain flawless lines of communication with their children: They only have to ask for anything once, the kids always take no for an answer, and the most common words uttered in the household are “enough about my needs Mom, let’s talk about what you want.” For the other 99.9 percent of us, it is a privilege to have the likes of Sherry Askwith, LCSW-C, available to guide us through the labyrinth of parent-child interaction. Last month, Askwith spoke to a group of Beth El Preschool moms on the topic of “How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk” based on the book by the same name.